I admit it! My views can be idealistic, but I’d like to think that I have a thread of logic embedded in my theories. Being a writer, I tend to observe and analyze. I like to pick apart the deeper meaning behind things. It’s like that mystery that needs to be solved and you’re on an adventure to find out the truth or an idea of the truth.

What I love about writing is that you can say everything and anything you want to say perfectly and without a hint of hesistation. There’s no stumbling over words, no signs of destress in your tongue-tied mess, and absolutely no background mind-feedback thwarting your attempts to deliver a sensible line or two.

So when the professor asks you to read aloud your essay, you should be thrilled about the praise he’s giving you and thrilled that your essay actual served its purpose. But instead, you’re wide-eyed and searching for the best escape route. Mm, did I mention I have an intense fear of public speaking? It’s interesting that the same mind that is capable of making connections and understanding the material is the same mind that personally sabotages the carrier of that said mind.

Then again, I’ve always been very good at sabotaging myself. It’s called low self-esteem and apparently I’m neurotic. I’m also a coward, unfortunately. Y’see women probably spend their entire lives finding that perfect soulmate to spend the rest of their life with. Except I doubt that all of them flee in terror when they find a spark between a possible candidate.

Most women would probably try to get closer to said person, but the moment I realize a person could possibly fulfill everything I could ever want and need… I do the opposite and do my best to get as far away as possible. Why? Low self-esteem and fear… and I’m not going to list the rolling list of phobias that will be present.

I guess it partly has to do with not be deserving. I’d feel like a burden in a way. Just some obstacle in their life and what was once so sweet would be watered down. I’m insecure, yes. But it’s more than that - I think. I don’t want to care for someone sooo much and to them, I’m just some anchor preventing them from setting sail to better waters.

And I was doomed from the start… I even knew from that very moment (And yes, there is a moment!) when you realize he’s sitting right in front of you. I finally did meet someone that makes it impossible for me not to want to get to know him. I was looking into his eyes – at first, for good manners and showing him that he had my full attention, but somewhere along the way it’s like BAM! Yes, this is going to be cliched, but it’s like magic. And you know right then, he has the power to break you and bring you to life.

Then you have to struggle to breathe. You have to pretend that this revelation and epiphany didn’t happen. And when it’s time to break eye contact, you have to find it in yourself to  not give everything away. Because for the first time in your life, he’s left you in a state of vulnerability that is so unlike any other feeling of weakness.

So I did the only thing I could do. To never let it happen again. Never let him see how much he really means to me. Never let him see a reflection of the dreams and fantasies that live within the wall of my mind through my eyes. And fearing at the same time, how truly and shockingly honest my eyes can be… because I’ve never been that great at hiding true honest to goodness feelings.

And I become ICE and STONE, because he can’t know. He can’t ever know what he means to me, what he can do to me, and what thoughts that seem to plague me every moment. So you clam up and retreat back within yourself like a crab. But if he only knew how easy it is to break open that hard shell I hide behind… 

Call me a coward, I do. It’s nothing knew. But I’ll have my share of consequences, because each choice you make has a consequence. He’ll find someone else that’ll react to him accordingly and properly. And he’ll be everything he is with her that I wish he was with me. So, in a way, I’m also brave… and very, very stupid.