These waves been bearing down on me
As hard as water eroding rock
They’re chipping the surface
They’re chipping away the ice
Walls that I keep around me
They’re breaking under the weight
Breaking under the pressure
And I never meant for it
To get this bad
And I never meant for it
To hurt this much
But you got this hold over me
And I’m trying to get a hold of myself
I’m trying to get control of myself
But I’m losing grip, losing myself
in you, in you, in the depths
of your eyes
in the depths of your soul
And you might’ve not meant it
You might not even mean it
But you got me hooked
in your eyes, in your words,
in the way you speak
I can’t shrug off this feeling
I can’t shrug you off
my mind, my heart, my soul
You’ve left an impression
That has burned into
my skin, my mind, my body,
and my soul
And there’s just so much I want to say
So much I want to tell you
But you don’t even know
You don’t even know
I get a little insecure
When you look me in the eye
You make me nervous
When your eyes sweeps across me
And I wish I had the nerve
To whisper the secrets
that escape through my traitorous
eyes and body
And I’d tell you things
that would leave me blushing
I’d tell you all my secrets
Watch them sparkle in your eyes
And tip the corners of your mouth
–

Unrequited love is a fickle little b*tch who knows how to be

excruiatingly cruel, malicious, devious, and manipulative. I’m starting to

think I’m losing my mind, because this idea of soulmates surfaced at a

time when I was actually with someone. Unfortunately, it wasn’t

inspired by the actual guy I was dating. In fact, the deterioration of my

relationship had been chipping away, but meeting him was taking the

cake and sealed the deal.

I never met him before during my time at college. I think I actually

disliked him when I first saw him, because I thought he was someone

else. Who knew, huh? What a way to make a first impression – a

moody girl with dirty looks. Beautiful, just beautiful. It started last

semester. And there was a specific moment that we were having a

conversation when I was like “Oh shit”… like one of those ah-ha!

moments. It’s like the world just stops and I’m like… ‘this is soo not

good. So not good. I shouldn’t be enjoying another guy’s conversation

and company more than my boyfriends’. Trust me, it’s a disturbing

feeling. Not only that, I happened to see him every day, because he

was in one of my classes per day.

I mean if it was some mere attraction, I don’t think it would rattle me

this much. Hell, I’ve had some beyond passionate moments dancing

with a guy at the bar, but it didn’t leave me the state this guy put me

in. And that’s saying a lot, because when I dance – I dance and get

down. It’s all about what I feel and if I’m feeling passionate, sexual,

sexy… I dance that way. I don’t hold back. It’s not in my nature when I

dance to hold back. So to have a guy rattle me in such a way that

transcends how I feel when I dance that says a lot.

It’s like I have this affinity to him. I can’t explain it. And I thought this

semester would be different. I thought that since I wouldn’t see him at

all, I’d be able to get over him. Be able to play this attraction to him as

the final push to get past a relationship. Unfortunately that’s a bit hard

when I see him every single day I have classes. How that happened,

I’m not quite sure.

Y’see I always thought I’d be happy to find someone who would satisfy

me in every aspect I hope for, but obviously, I really wasn’t expecting

that to happen. I thought it would never happen, because it was a

fantasy – not real. And the only problem is that it’s probably unrequited.

He probably doesn’t feel one damn thing for me.

So I’m having these intense feelings for a guy who could probably be

having sex with random girls for all I know and isn’t looking at all for

any kind of relationship whatsoever. And I’m making myself miserable. It’s taking a toll on me.

I can’t sleep right anymore. I can’t get him off my mind. And my emotions are revolving in moodswings. It reminds me so much of a school girl crush. A girl being obsessed with some guy and she’s too shy to say anything. But what happens when you get older? Crushes aren’t some meaningless thing – they are filled with real emotion.

I love love. I love watching love grow. I love being in love. I love that it can transcend pain and brighten your face through your smile and eyes. I love being able to look into a man’s eyes and see a man brimming with dreams and ambitions. And know that he can achieve them. That’s beautiful. Love is beautiful.

But I don’t know how to reach out and ask for someone to love me and to care for me. I don’t know how to let them know I care. I’ve never been put in a position like that when I’m the one reaching for someone else. I’ve always been the one that was chased. And I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do. I’m like a wild horse. I’ll keep running even if I want to stop. I need someone who can break me in, grab ahold the reins, and tell me to “Stop” and that it’s just not me. That he feels it too.

It’s tearing me apart. I can’t think straight. I don’t know what to do. Normally, I’d tell myself to ‘get over it, move on’, but I don’t have the heart to actually mean it anymore.