Is it pathetic I spend my nights challenging family members and random opponents on ‘Words with friends’ app on my Nook Color? I’m sad that my NC isn’t charging by USB cord from my netbook. Soon it’ll flash another battery warning and I’m here sitting at Starbucks waiting for J to get out of work. I could get the charger since it isn’t that far from here, but that would mean I’d have to brace the rain. Not so keen about that idea.
I am happy about the idea that it reached 60 degrees today! That’s a sure sign Spring is finally coming and just around the corner. That means fishing season. That means no more snow. That means no more jackets to wear.
Today, I got dolled up. I wanted to just go in sweatpants and a shirt, but I decided to try to make an effort. So I actually got dressed today — jeans with a nice top layered with a gray long-sleeved opened jacket/cardigan. Very casual look — nothing fancy. I did do my hair though. I curled it with my curling wand and unfortunately burned a finger, because I couldn’t find the protection glove to wear. I forgot how much I love my hair in curls! In addition, I did my makeup. And yes, I forgot how quickly I can do it.
So I guess that means I need to stop being lazy and look more presentable. Have no more excues to fall back on. Damn it! Oh well, this whole New Year’s Resolution had to deal with boosting my self-esteem, self-confidence, and my entire being. I said I wanted to take more pride in myself and it is only March. I can’t fail this early (if at all I mean!).
I just started reading a new ebook. No, it’s not some steamy romance novel, it is an actual and thought provoking book. It’s called Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. It’s a long book — 1,235 pages long and I’m only on page 71, but so far, it’s rather fascinating. I haven’t read a book with great depth that dealt with politics, government, philosophical pursit of humanity and intergity since college. I graduated from college in 2008 and now it is 2011. It’s been a few years and it’s truly refreshing.
I still haven’t managed to so much as write on damnable page of any substance dealing with creative writing. I have ideas — believe me! — I have ideas, but nothing is forming on pages, sentences, phrases, or even words. It’s like a standstill. I can’t move forward. Story of my life really… But I’ve made a lot of changes and growth in my defense. Now it just sounds as if I’m trying to convince myself. It’s more complicated than it seems and sadly it is all psychological. So no physical evidence of change is witnessed.
Deep inside, I know I’m attempting to change, to get better, and to be better. I’m starting to wonder if my stance on marriage and companionship is derived from my idea of fearing that I’d be more of a burden in the long run. I proudly declare I will not be anybody’s ball and chain, but yes, I do think I realize the consequences in that way of thinking. I fear falling in love unconditionally or having someone love me unconditionally. Hate the idea, because I fear the betrayal of the single shred of doubt that perhaps love isn’t as endless as I’d desperately wish to believe.
I’m more than a little messed up. A couple screws are definitely missing, but I guess I’m the type that believe to all should be free. You are your own person and you should live by that. I’ve been tricked, blinded, and been broken by love or the idea of love. Binded by the wishfulness only to have been shattered. Resentment? Bitterness? Probably. But neverless, a learning experience that needed to be learnt. I’m not saying I don’t have any faith in love or don’t believe in it.
I’m all-out believer in love. I just think I’ve loved too freely without judgment and conscious thought. I loved and cared without doubt and maybe that’s precious and rightful in its own way. But these scars and wounds are a testament to my invisble list of possible doubts. Yes, I have erected these walls thickly around myself. I’ll give anyone my friendship. I’m very open, but trusting someone with my heart and trusting myself to love again… no, that’s something I do not want to consider or go through. That all consuming idea of love is lust. That’s it and I’m not prepared for that messy, out of control rollercoaster.
People are willing to die for it. People are crazy obsessive in finding the one… but what I’m interested in now is living out what I’m meant to do. The one thing I’ve learned from all this is to appreciate freedom and live by that.
You have the freedom to live the life you want.
