Too cautious, too ready to change lanes
If the red flag goes up and the alarm bells ring
He was just doing his job, she was just her job
Listening intently to you, soaking up your words
It shouldn’t have come as a surprise
No, it shouldn’t – there’s something wrong with you
In their professional opinion
There is a logical reason
To why your brain is
               fried
               messed up
               their personal disaster zone

I put up a shield
               to keep out the pain
               to keep out the sorrow
               to keep out the critics
                     and the judgmental assholes
I disguise it so well I don’t even realize
I still have all my carefully erected walls
Encasing me in a cocoon of my own prison

It’s not about me
It’s not about what I think
It’s about you
It’s about how you see yourself
It’s about how you feel

Fooled me once, shame on you
Fooled me twice, shame on me
It’s all the same to you
Lets not pretend you give a damn
About my thoughts and opinions
Yes, I’m a complicated mess
I have my issues I never said I didn’t

How do you help me?
You put me on doses
Give me a quick fix
To rationalize, to medicate
The underlying problem
Is still there, don’t you understand?
Robot I am not.
Can your diagnosis – I’m exhausted with this shit.

It’s not about me
It’s not about what I think
It’s about you
It’s about how you see yourself
It’s about how you feel

I am happy about the idea that it reached 60 degrees today! That’s a sure sign Spring is finally coming and just around the corner. That means fishing season. That means no more snow. That means no more jackets to wear.

Today, I got dolled up. I wanted to just go in sweatpants and a shirt, but I decided to try to make an effort. So I actually got dressed today — jeans with a nice top layered with a gray long-sleeved opened jacket/cardigan. Very casual look — nothing fancy. I did do my hair though. I curled it with my curling wand and unfortunately burned a finger, because I couldn’t find the protection glove to wear. I forgot how much I love my hair in curls! In addition, I did my makeup. And yes, I forgot how quickly I can do it.

So I guess that means I need to stop being lazy and look more presentable. Have no more excues to fall back on. Damn it! Oh well, this whole New Year’s Resolution had to deal with boosting my self-esteem, self-confidence, and my entire being. I said I wanted to take more pride in myself and it is only March. I can’t fail this early (if at all I mean!).

I just started reading a new ebook. No, it’s not some steamy romance novel, it is an actual and thought provoking book. It’s called Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. It’s a long book — 1,235 pages long and I’m only on page 71, but so far, it’s rather fascinating. I haven’t read a book with great depth that dealt with politics, government, philosophical pursit of humanity and intergity since college. I graduated from college in 2008 and now it is 2011. It’s been a few years and it’s truly refreshing.

I still haven’t managed to so much as write on damnable page of any substance dealing with creative writing. I have ideas — believe me! — I have ideas, but nothing is forming on pages, sentences, phrases, or even words. It’s like a standstill. I can’t move forward. Story of my life really… But I’ve made a lot of changes and growth in my defense. Now it just sounds as if I’m trying to convince myself. It’s more complicated than it seems and sadly it is all psychological. So no physical evidence of change is witnessed.

Deep inside, I know I’m attempting to change, to get better, and to be better. I’m starting to wonder if my stance on marriage and companionship is derived from my idea of fearing that I’d be more of a burden in the long run. I proudly declare I will not be anybody’s ball and chain, but yes, I do think I realize the consequences in that way of thinking. I fear falling in love unconditionally or having someone love me unconditionally. Hate the idea, because I fear the betrayal of the single shred of doubt that perhaps love isn’t as endless as I’d desperately wish to believe.

I’m more than a little messed up. A couple screws are definitely missing, but I guess I’m the type that believe to all should be free. You are your own person and you should live by that. I’ve been tricked, blinded, and been broken by love or the idea of love. Binded by the wishfulness only to have been shattered. Resentment? Bitterness? Probably. But neverless, a learning experience that needed to be learnt. I’m not saying I don’t have any faith in love or don’t believe in it.

I’m all-out believer in love. I just think I’ve loved too freely without judgment and conscious thought. I loved and cared without doubt and maybe that’s precious and rightful in its own way. But these scars and wounds are a testament to my invisble list of possible doubts. Yes, I have erected these walls thickly around myself. I’ll give anyone my friendship. I’m very open, but trusting someone with my heart and trusting myself to love again… no, that’s something I do not want to consider or go through. That all consuming idea of love is lust. That’s it and I’m not prepared for that messy, out of control rollercoaster.

People are willing to die for it. People are crazy obsessive in finding the one… but what I’m interested in now is living out what I’m meant to do. The one thing I’ve learned from all this is to appreciate freedom and live by that.

You have the freedom to live the life you want.

But this is something that can’t be ignored. Ever since I got injured awhile back, I’ve gained so much weight. I’ve teetered on the perilous edges of healthy, unhealthy, and now grossly unhealthy. Having not so wonderfully healthy eating habits has contributed to even more of a drastic downfall. I no longer can deny that I’ve fallen off the wagon (perhaps rolled off?).

When I started this a few or so days ago, I weighed in at: 177 lbs. I lost a pound since then. My target weight is between 115lbs-120lbs. My plan is to lose 1-2 lbs per weeks (at least a pound!). And yes, fully aware that’s a lot of weight to lose! But this is something that needs to be done. I’m on an exercise plan. I hit the gym every morning Monday-Friday and I do 3 full-body strengh training Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

Not only that, I’m on a strict “diet”. I downloaded this free app on my rooted Nook from the Android market called MyFitnessPlan. It’s a great addition in keeping me on track. I pretty much eat the same thing everything every day, but I’m not bored nor will I get bored of it. You would think I’d be frustrated with this same meal plan, but I think I’m more relieved. It is nice knowing what I’ll be having for each meal. No more having to figure it out. No more having to decide.

Being a person with ADHD, distraction is quite a predicament. So making things simple for me and having some structure helps so much. Anyway, the app makes a profile and basically sets up everything for you due to your own goals (like how much you want to lose per week). I plugged in 1.5 lbs. It counts the calories, takes in account the amount of calories I lose due to cardio, also keeps track of strength training, and records your progress. The food database is awesome! I just type in the brand and name of the foods I’m eating and it usually is found in the database. It has a small nurtient summary so I know what the limits are and the areas I need to work on. It has made this transition easier than I thought I possible.

Breakfast:
1/2 a grapefruit
Fiberone Nonfat Yogurt
1/4 cup Egg Beaters (southwestern at the moment)
2 slice of Pepperidge Farm Lite Oatmeal Bread
1 individualized tub of weightwatchers cream cheese
1 can of V8 Low Sodium Vegetable Juice

post morning workout: 1 EAS carb control rich dark chocolate shake

Lunch — SALAD
1 tsp Parmesan grated cheese
2 tbsp Ken’s Steak House Lite Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette Dressing
5 pieces of Reese Quartered Artichoke hearts
1/2 banana (sliced)
3oz of Grilled & Ready Diced Chicken Breasts
1 serving of salad mix
1 cup of Stahlbush Island Farms Frozen Diced butternut Squash
0.3 cup of Cappaqua Crunch Simply Granola with Raspberries
1 can of V8 V-Fusion Light Strawberry Banana

Dinner
1 wedge of Laughing Cow Lite Cheese
1 slice of Pepperidge Fam Lite Style Oatmeal bread
1/4 cup Egg Beaters
1 Jello Mousse Temptations Dark Chocolate Decadence
1 Hunt’s Snack Pack Sugarfree Strawberry-Orange jello
1 cup of Soy Slender soy milk

Surprisingly, this works for me. I decided to have lunch and breakfast be the more calorie-packed meals than dinner. So far everything has been going well. My body is still getting used to everything, but I think for my track record, this seems to be simple enough. I do take supplements though — one for me joints (mainly because of my injured knee), triple tea fat burner, and flaxseed. However, I think dinner may be alternating between that above and sushi (which makes me a happy camper SO in love with sushi!).

Today was my first full workout with cardio and strength training. It went good and my body is beginning to feel the aches from the strength training. Feels good. I do admit though — I feel as though I spend a good hearty chunk of time at the gym sometimes. It gives me something to do.

I gotta “beef up” my arms for the fishing season coming up quickly! But I want to be able to reel in the damn fish when I go saltwater fishing. I figure getting fit will help me out with this as well. Hopefully, my confidence and self-esteem will brighten too.

Joe said don’t be discouraged if I don’t look like how I did before or make it to my goal weight — I told him that just makes me want to make it to my goal weight just say: SEE! I DID IT! WHAT?! HUH?!. I just take it as a challenge. I told him so as well. I know myself — I can lose it and I’m certain that I’ll look way better than I did before, because before I wasn’t even eating right. Maybe I’ll even get that flat tummy… and even if I don’t get that, I’ll be happy knowing I’m fit and healthy.

Life was much more exciting when you didn’t feel like you’d be trapped in a routine-type of lifestyle. I don’t like cages and I don’t like feeling trapped. I’m trying to break down all the barriers within myself… why would I like the idea of restraints, limitations, and boundaries? I crave pure freedom almost as if you’re chasing the light and running from the darkness… like a wild horse you fear to be tamed.

Maybe a part of me is a commitement phobe. Yes, even though I’m in a relationship and he’s truly my rock and best friend, the idea of marriage doesn’t appeal to me as it once did. I think it is because I understand relationships will evolve and people will change with it. Every relationship no matter the length or intensity must run its course. To selfishly claim someone as your own when truly it isn’t right to do so… you are your own person and it isn’t right to treat someone as an object. However, I am an avid believer in respect, faithfulness, and loyalty. If you agree to be a commitement, you should hold to that union until it has run its course.

I just feel as though every soul must learn the lessons they are supposed to learn. Nothing is forever and nothing should be binding. I do believe in fate and destiny… and I believe that there are some relationships that surpass lifetimes. But I am one soul — although interconnected with all spiritually and energetically, but I am still one physically.

There is probably ancient wisdom to live life, but I think the meaning isn’t about questioning faith. It is finding faith — faith in yourself and faith in your potential. Can you honestly tell me that you can look in the mirror and feel perfectly flawless inside and out? Can you stand before that mirror and accept your past, your present, and your future?

It was just the other day, Joe reminded of me why I did tarot card readings, why I beaded, why I’m so interested in crystals. I forgot why I had done what I did. I’ve always said that I’m not the type to do tarot card readings to tell the future — no, I used to do tarot card readings to understand the present and the past of an individual, to gain insight to a dilemma, to find clarity to why there was a blurred barrier. Above all, I did it to help people.

Crystals and crystal healing are tools in helping soothe people’s pain, find clarity, and find it in themselves to overcome the barriers within them. I used to make beaded bracelets and necklaces with certains types of crystals that had metaphysical properties to help someone with whatever they were going through.

This personal epiphany happened, because Joe told me he like the bracelet I made. I’ve been meaning to get back to beading again and I think my avoidance of the gifts given to me is finally wearing down all my excuses.

At one point, I wanted to give it up — all of it! I think grief made me blind to the actual point of becoming spiritually awakened… I didn’t realize that I had misplaced emotions. I had put the reason why I was doing it and emodied it into a human being. Now I realize after the pain has healed over that the truth is easier to shine through.

Nothing was in vain or done in vain. I didn’t act when I had, because I wasn’t meant to. We were never meant to be nothing more than we had been — interesting strangers. Maybe there is or was a deeper connection, but I’m grateful for the spiritual awareness that came from whatever it had been.

I’m no longer as lost and depressed as I had been in these past few years. The heart chakra is probably one of strongest vessels of energy. The power and strength to forgive… to heal… to create a change, a transformation… it ‘s amazing. It’s a miracle that having loved so strongly, you can come out on the other end feeling renewed and that if you let yourself — those scars and wounds will fully heal in time.

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

For the test above, I recommend taking this online quiz. It’s interesting to find out stuff about yourself. It’s like you’re taking a step back and seeing the entire picture. You’re not some slick, unmarked surface. Everyone is a jigsaw puzzle and solving that puzzle will be the most difficult but fulfilling journey ever. I’ll be reading Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages.

I took the test on Pamala Oslie’s website (www.auracolors.com) and found out my core aura color.  It’s actually astonishing how accurately it describes me and it really helps me. I recommend that everyone take this quiz. Although I am planning to get and read her full book Life Colors, the information I pasted from her website about myself is below:

Violets are the inspirational visionaries, leaders and teachers who are here to help save the planet. Most Violets feel drawn to educate the masses, to inspire higher ideals, to improve the quality of life on the planet, or to help save people, animals and the environment.

All Violets have an inner sense that they are here to do something important, that their destiny is greater than that of the average person. Most Violets have felt this way since childhood. As children, many Violets imagined becoming famous, or traveling the planet, possibly joining humanitarian causes such the Peace Corp. Many of these charismatic personalities take on roles as leaders and teachers, while other Violets prefer to reach people through music, film or other art form.

Because this era is currently the “Violet Age,” any Violets who are not accomplishing what they came here to do are experiencing an inner “push” — even an inner “earthquake.” Inner forces seem to be shaking them up and pushing them to move into action, to fulfill their life purpose. Violets know they are here to do something significant. However, they aren’t always sure what that something is or how to accomplish it.

Many Violets were taught as children that their dreams and aspirations were unrealistic, so they have lost touch with their original visions. It’s important for Violets to reconnect with their life purpose and vision, and to take action. Otherwise they will always feel unfulfilled. They will always sense something is missing from their lives. Violets need to learn to slow down long enough to listen to their inner voice and to connect with their higher vision.

People are not born with a Red Overlay. A Red Overlay is usually added to the outer bands of the aura early on in life because the person felt a need for protection. While a Red Overlay can offer protection, it also can become a terrible burden to bear.

The two most common indications that a person is carrying a Red Overlay are either feelings of intense anger and rage, or continuous struggle and self-sabotage. If these people don’t eventually remove the Red Overlay from their aura, their protective shield will eventually become their prison.

People usually add a Red Overlay to their aura for one or more of the following reasons:

They have had a life-threatening situation at birth or at a young age, which caused them to perceive that they may die, or that the world was not a safe place. Examples of life-threatening situations can include birth complications, severe illness, choking, drowning or suffocating. Many people do not remember these incidents, and so the source of their anger or struggle remains a mystery to them. They frequently have feelings of dread or of impending disaster for reasons unknown to them.

People may also add a Red Overlay if they have been physically, emotionally or mentally abandoned or rejected. Red Overlays frequently appear in people who were unwanted children, adopted or separated from a parent at a young age. This can also apply to children who felt emotionally abandoned by a parent, even when the parent appeared to be physically present in the home.

The most obvious and traceable causes for Red in the aura are those cases in which people have been physically, emotionally or mentally abused. Children who have been sexually abused, physically beaten, or raised by alcoholic or verbally abusive parents usually feel that the world is an unsafe and undependable place and that protection is necessary for survival.

Red Overlays can even appear around children who felt emotionally or physically smothered or suppressed. They feel betrayed by the adults, who were supposed to love, nurture and protect them as children. Not everyone who felt abandoned by a parent has a Red Overlay, however. The experience had to be intense enough or serious enough to have threatened the emotional or physical survival instincts of the child.

Pasted from <http://www.auracolors.com/about-your-auracolors.html>

And finally hear my destiny loud & clear: it’s going to be very long, tedious goal, but it is something I know I need to do. I need to do more research on graduate schools and degrees, but I’m planning to become a therapist/counsellor/psychologist, as well as be a holistic practitioner. So back to school, most likely going back to get that Masters in Counselling. I don’t want to just stick to one avenue, I want to help as much as I possibly can — help people grow spiritually so they will learn to heal themselves, that they always had the power to heal within them.

So out of all this depression + heartbreak + pain, I am set free. I will never stop loving the love of my life, but I can live out my life with purpose & meaning. And that eases this state of constant depression and suicidal tendencies.

Everything is already setting in motion.

& I’m ready. I’m finally getting my life in order. My journey is only beginning and I can’t wait for it to get going. I finally found the thrill of life and the excitement to live it once again.

Did you know that there are Stages of Grief?  Following Kübler-Ross model, there is 5 Stages:

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

And even though, she had made this model originally for terminal illness, it’s actually very useful to describe tragic, heartbreaking events or situations that one feels extreme loss.

For the past two years, I’ve been going through the 5 Stages of Grief & Loss (Over Unrequited Love). And what kills me sometimes is that you don’t feel anything for me — just another girl, some girl in your past. A fleeting interest, a mere quick interest before another distraction comes flying through.

And right now: I’m transitioning between the 4th stage and the 5th stage. It’s been a long journey. It’s taken me a lot to get to this point in my life. I’m not even saying I don’t love you anymore; it’s more I can’t do this to myself anymore. Waiting for something, anything… this constant living in the past. Unable to move on, let go… it has to stop.

I dillusioned myself that maybe you’d come back, that if you felt the same way about me you’ve would’ve done something to get in contact. But the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to doubt the idea of a mutual connection.

Because I can’t see how you’d just completely write me off and diss me. You didn’t even have the decency to write me, to tell me I’m wrong… anything. And that just hurts more than anything, because I thought you’d at least be honest. Truthful.

Silence doesn’t resolve, truth sets one free (even if the words are harsh). And you couldn’t even do that. You couldn’t set me free — tell me: I’m wrong, it never happened, it was all in my mind… that I’m stupid. You didn’t give me anything to work with — whether it was to get a peace of mind or to move on.

At least now I’ll be able to say: I’ve managed to move on with my life without your help.

I’ll never stop loving you, but I am starting to  see a light within me. The more I realize my own light, my own strength, my own purpose… it doesn’t feel so awful to be alone and to live. It doesn’t sting as much with the idea that I can’t have you.

And maybe I needed to see that, to feel that. To want to stand on my own two feet without always relying on someone or someone else to help me and carry me. I’ve always wanted to be independent and self-sufficient.

Yes, you’ve ruined for other men. And I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship. I crave companionship, but I realize that the type of work I am planning to work towards is far from the American Dream. I never wanted the typical type of life where you get married and make a family. I want to run free, be free to do whatever I am needed to do. I will run free and untamed. I don’t want the settled life — I want adventure, truth, self-worth through doing the right thing. This is my path that I’m destined to tread and I won’t apologize for it. I’m a restless, freespirited soul hoping to help other spiritually through their own personal growth.

And now that I’ve found the direction in my life, I won’t have time to look back and cry over spilt milk. Certainly, this is something I’ll never truly get over, but knowing I’ll be working towards a greater purpose in life eases that heartbreak — that pain.

I’m ready to step out and go after my dreams. Some day, I will find it in myself to forgive you fully and find it in myself to forgive my own self. But today is not that day.

I will tell you though: Carpe Diem… seize the day and reach for the stars… and don’t take anything for granted, because you’ll never know when it’s gone.

The wind calls, time is short, and my destiny beckons me forward. I am my own. I answer to none except God. I accept this as my destiny and if I am to walk it alone, so be it. It is worth this sacrifice of letting go of the love of my life to walk the road less travelled, to do something beyond myself.

I will always love you no matter where I go. I wish you the best in this life always. I may at times hate you, but deep inside, I know that my heart will always belong to you. You truly are that perfect melody that reaches deep in my soul that I could to listen to over and over again and never get old. And some day when I’ve grown more spiritually and let go of my resentments that I’ll thank you for showing me how to love so deeply and unconditionally. Because I know without you, I wouldn’t have known how to feel this deep, that I couldn’t have done this partially without you. You are a part of me and I will always keep you in my heart, my anam cara.

Whatever cords or promises (binding or not) that were spiritually made known or unknown, I release you from. Love is not meant to be captivity; it’s supposed to make you feel free.

I love you.

Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be in a relationship. There is a high possibility that there is no guy out there who can match me, challenge me, and outsmart me. I will be the very first to admit that I am the type of woman to play A LOT of mind games. In a way, I guess it is a form of gambling. I like the fast-paced, impulsive, dramatic emotional ups & downs, chaotic, demanding, smoldering…. I like thunder and lightening. I used to think I liked balance and harmony. Sure, when I’m in an actual relationship, it is a little different. I demand loyalty, respect, fidelity, and support.

Well, I guess mind games help me find control. I can be a bit of control-freak when it comes to my emotions and my inner self. It’s almost like a testing of waters for me, testing the limits, sizing up my opponent… love to me is like ultimate war. It’s a battle — a fullout warzone. And I’m arming myself for battle. It’s possibly a savage way to think of love, but I find it hard not to be overly protective over my heart.

Joe and I are now officially broken up. May had been a very eye-opening month. Although, I had thought things would work out differently. I thought he and I would be officially over in several months, but I’ve decided to move back in with my parents instead. Everything started coming together when I decided it was time to stop chasing after a dream and start chasing after other dreams. The moment I decided to live life for myself — everything just has come together.

He and I are still best friend (of course). There are times it’s hard, but most of the time, it feels much better this way. I’m still getting used to being by myself. I’ve been hanging out with my other best friend Staci which works out because she lives closer to my parents’ house. It had been a few days since I stopped staying at Joe’s place (even though I’ll be staying at his place tomorrow and some other nights this week, because I work early morning shifts). But I’m moving all my stuff back to my parents’ house. I brought my guinea pigs Bella and Bliss with me. Joe just bought a bearded dragon today though! (Trust me, I bought the basics for his lizard buddy!)

Anyway, I finally told this mystery TF guy that I love him via Facebook. Before anyone things I made a startling leap in the right direction, I deactivated the account after the message was sent. I had been planning to deactivate it anyways so I decided that I needed to tell him how I truly felt. I didn’t want any regrets burdening me so I told him. My friends think I’m crazy for not waiting for a reaction, but I honestly doubt he would’ve done anything. His track record with my attempts to establish contact & communication with him have been met with no results. I didn’t want to know his response even if he did or didn’t have one, it would’ve hurt me anyway (whether there was no response). He obviously doesn’t feel the same way I do — I’ve come to terms with that.

It was one of those messages that you do it more for yourself. You’re not expecting a response, you really don’t expect anything. You just say it to get it off your chest so you can try to move on. I felt a lot better after. My friend Matty told me the entire thing was very poetic when I texted him what I had done. Staci said I should’ve waited for a response and actually Joe did too. Joe told me that I was once again running away. He and I had a talk that night after I told him what I had done. He told me that what I was doing was running away again. And maybe I am, but it’s different this time. I’m running away with a purpose. I’m running after my dreams, my goals… to live. And how is it bad to run away from a guy that doesn’t share the same feelings you do?

And lets be honest, he isn’t going to say a damn thing! Saying I love him to this guy isn’t going to faze him at all. It’s not going to make him come back and it isn’t going to change a damn thing. I think that’s why I eliminated that altogether with deactivating my account. Usually when people say I love you, it opens a door into a relationship. And I guess in a way it did for me, I walked through my door to find my place and purpose in this world. I guess it freed me from the chains that kept me from moving on… I never told him the truth or how I felt. So when I finally did (no matter how late I was or even if it mattered to him at all), I said my piece and left it at that. Plus, it probably helps he is halfway across the country still and there is no way we’d ever bump into each other again. So the shame of it all won’t come back to haunt me.

I’m convinced now that I’ll be walking this earth and all the days I have left on my own. Certainly have companions with my family and friends… but I’ll never really be intimately connected to someone again. I’ve vowed that after this relationship with Joe ended that that’s it. It’s over! I’m remaining relationship-free and celibate. I’ve come to certain realities anyway.

My TF and I are emotionally different. I’ve found this out by looking at our musical tastes. He’s more into the oldies — harmony, balance… y’know calm seas on a hot summer day with no clouds in the sky only the bright sun in the deep blue sky. And I like alternative rock, hard rock — I draw the line at extreme heavy metal, but I’ve been known to listen to music with some screaming. I’d darken his beautiful blue skies with dark clouds and streaks of lightening. Instead of the music of the waves, there would be thunder. I’m purely emotional — I like intensity, chaos, a hint of drama… I’m starting to see the separation between us. I thought we are alike, but maybe not so much. He’s not emotional for me — I want someone that feels like I do with so much intensity and depth.

I play mind games. I’d hurt him. I’m an Aries — we are very much lets-do-battle, impuslive warriors. Maybe, it’s warrior-instinct that puts me into a protective stance when someone comes near (friend or foe). Always ready to fight, always ready to protect myself. I have a hard shell around me, but I’m very soft and vulnerable inside. And I’d be damned to let anyone break through to see the little girl inside. I’m sometimes so scared to let people in, because the fear of giving so much only to be broken by them. 

Staci told me I would be totally screwed if he ever kissed me, because she told me she was/is just like me. She said she was afraid of her boyfriend and she kept running away from her feelings, but the moment he kissed her, she was hooked for life. I fully admit to the world that I AM A RUNNER! I will run and run and run until I’m caught. There’s no doubt about that. And I’m certain Staci is right, because she and I are very much alike. We were born on the same day of April, just different years. So pretty much yes, I would be screwed, but I’m pretty much safe from that predicament. There’s no way he wants me or feels for me anyway so there will be no kissing involved.

I mean I’m pretty sure that’s why I ran in the first place. I could’ve got to know him more, but he scares me. I don’t even know how to explain it. Just that he scares me and that’s why I never tried. I never got close to him, because I know if I did, I’d let him in completely without thinking. It happened once in one single moment and from that moment, I was scared shitless. 

I was just hoping that it would fade by now. These feelings would go away and I’d be free from this chaos. But it took me this long to confess that I love him and now I’ve told him. I’ve done all I can do and I’m ready to do battle with  whatever next I encounter. I’ve learned to accept that I love a man that I’ll never have (unrequited love). I’ve accepted that I’ll never have feelings this intense with anyone else and I’ve accepted that I can’t settle for anything less (hence my decision to be relationship-free and celibate).

I don’t know what direction I’m heading in my life, but I know I want to live. I want to experience and have my adventures. I want to live it up! I want to bring happiness in my life and leave that deep state of depression I was in behind me. I want to see the beauty in a sunrise. I want to run wild and free and untamed. No more chains to keep me repressed. I’m ready to live.

And I will find a place for myself
in this world. I will walk the path, given to walk
even if I must walk it alone.
I will turn away from this Heaven on Earth
to make my way towards the sunrise
to meet the new day. Let the morning rays
warm my face, because my journey has only begun.

If I have to erase your face from my mind
to find the will to move forward, if I have to rewind those moments
where I looked into your eyes and knew
I will do all in my power to find the release, if need be.
Because a life not truly lived is a shameful waste
and my soul has made a contract with the Universe
to do what must be done.
—-

My boyfriend and I have reached a mutual agreement. As my friend referred to it as: a relationship with a deadline. Yes, the days are numbered. We know it’s coming, but before the time is up, we have both agreed to enjoy the time we have left. I don’t know if it is truly over-over; it could be a postponed or postponed indefinitely. It’s not that there isn’t any love; it is the fact we love each other that we are doing this. He’s my best friend — I love him like a brother. And that is where the problem is: it is not the type of love to build a relationship that transitions into marriage.

We’ve decided to keep the relationship going until I save up enough money and move out. It’ll take quite awhile to get the funds together so we will have plenty of time together. But we both decided it was best when I finally get my feet on the ground and start living on my own that we’d start see other people. More for his benefit, because I’m convinced that I won’t be dating.

In fact, I’ve come to the reality that marriage and such is not in my cards. I vowed to God (or Higher Power) that I would only marry under the terms that it would be with my other half, the true soulmate — the one God intended me to be with. Perhaps it all works out in the end… I have no intention to procreate. Even though my boyfriend says he’d go with whatever choice I make in this, I know he has a strong desire to start a family. And lets put it this way, I’m planning to get my tubes tied when I’m eligible for the procedure.

It’s not that I don’t like children. It’s not that I don’t believe I’d make a good mother. I just don’t desire to the opportunity make a family. People keep telling me that later on in life that I’ll change my mind that with the right person maybe I’ll want to start a family. True, I met the love of my life and yes, I had the unexpected desire to maybe have a family. Or maybe it was more of, if I had to have a family and share my life with the individual.

I just feel that I have so much to do on Earth and time is limited. I feel as if the grains of sand in human fraility that my lifetime was not meant for that. It is just this deep feeling I have within me that life (at least for me) was meant to ultimately help and serve humanity with all that I can with all that I have in me. Maybe in a way, this may seem very ambitious — this may be seen as highly driven (or career-driven), but I’m not here to experience the materialistic desires of this world. I’m here to help — live my life in the solitary pursuit of helping and serving humanity.

It’s hard to truly explain the depth. And some may say: well why can’t you do both… have a happy marriage with children and help the world. Well, to be blunt I’d probably argue the point about the state of how the world is truly in. There is a lot of work to do! So much. And I don’t know what exactly what or how I’m supposed to do what needs to be done, but I’m certain I’ll figure out within this lifetime.

Relationships (at the romantic kind) were never my forte. It was only when I went to college that I begun exploring that avenue. I had my first kiss and first everything when I was eighteen years old. Yes, the idea of romance and having a romantic relationship always fascinated me. I’ve always thought I was fond of being “sexually active” — that I thought I liked the thrill and act. But it’s only recently come to realize that it’s all rather boring. I think I  thought I had to be thrilled about having sex, because my boyfriends had so actively desired it that I was inclined to give it.

But my boyfriend hasn’t pressured me or demanded I have sex. I think I’m finding that with the freedom of choice: I don’t particularly have a constant need to find sexual satisfaction. And if I do happen to be aroused at any point in time, I myself can take care of that quite well. I think it’s because my mind is too busy or I’m just physically busy. It isn’t a priority of mine.

I find my romance is delivered in romance novels I guess! I can read those puppies, delve deep into the passionate affairs of delicious characters. I think I like that it takes place in my imagination. Maybe it’s the fact I need someone to physically, emotionally, mentally, and on a soul-level distract me so much with such passion that it demands me to pay attention — that it refuses ignored. That type of passion that ripes through my focus and concentration, strokes the fire to life — makes me burn. And that has only happened once just once… and he’s not coming back. Unrequited love — never had a chance. He’s up and gone to go save or conquer the world, which ever he truly prefers.

I don’t think he’ll have any troubles in forgetting me…. possibly already forgotten since day one post-college. I’m sure he’s off enjoying all the avenues and pleasures of the world. Besides, he seems to be a sexual person. Everything about him was very sexual in a way. He has this magnetism about him — this air about him just screamed it. I’m not surprised considering what sun sign in the zodiac he is under. I think it might actually be an insult being born under that sign if he didn’t live up to it.

And since no one has really made me burn like that again, I think it’s safe to say that I can tuck that in a box and put away somewhere in the recesses of my mind, heart, and soul. I’ve tried making relationships work, but as I suspected, it’s just a dead-end. I don’t feel like pretending anymore that I’ll find someone who can take his place. It’s all or nothing — almost doesn’t count no matter how close.

So I’ve finally come to terms with my fate. Since suicide is definitely not an option, it’s time to do the hardest thing. Move on, become self-sufficient, and declare my independence! Time to take the reigns in my life and move forward.

That’s why I have been dabbling with the idea of hypnotism. It’s been burning in and out of my mind and I keep coming back to it. People have told me that hypnosis can only eliminate forgetting certain aspect, but the feeling would always remain. Feelings are natural part of being. Maybe if i eliminate the face, I will still search for a face to place with that feeling. Or maybe I’ll live my life in essence of that feeling, the freedom to throw of the chains and immerse myself in the feeling. Live for that feeling! It’s easier to praise a feeling when you haven’t associated a face to that feeling.

A lot has happened since I last wrote. What I’ve learned is… life will go on (whether you are ready to or not). And I’ve had my share of struggles and challenges. I’ve stumbled along the path attempting to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, it is there, but there are times, it isn’t. But you have to keep going, keep pressing on. Life doesn’t wait for anyone — neither does time.

I’ve fallen in and out of love — fallen hard for a guy or two. One relationship failled, but the other has blossomed. I’m currently living with him and his family. We aren’t “perfect” for one another, but that doesn’t really matter. What really matters is that we are incredibly honest with one another.

I still believe in twin flames — the one & only, the other half. I still believe I met mine in college. That hasn’t changed. I believe there is a True Other Half, but I have decided that I won’t put my life on stop for someone who obviously won’t meet me halfway. I don’t say this out of bitterness — I wish him well on his journey. But I refuse to believe my life has no purpose or meaning. That’s the thing I thought there was no life after him. I thought that after meeting “the one” — you were supposed to come together for a specific purpose. No, not to fall in love in love and procreate but to work together for a common cause, a common good.

Joe knows about him, I’ve told him. Joe is a soulmate… a companion that has agreed to walk with me throughout this lifetime or however long we are meant to be together. Don’t get me wrong, I love him. We have a serious relationship. We’ve been going strong for about six months now… and yes, we do think about marriage down the road if its meant to be so. He’s my best friend, but he knows I will never love him as I love my twin flame. Both of us are okay with that. He has a twin flames too, met her as well, and he has talked about her to me. We are both very aware of our circumstances.

I still miss my twin flame every day in fact and I still think of him a lot. Some days are more painful then most, but some days are better. Joe makes things a lot easier to deal with. He makes me happy. But I’ve realized I can’t put my life on hold for someone no matter if I desire to or not. Life goes on… and I will LIVE this lifetime that I was given. I’m not ashamed of being with someone else, I shouldn’t feel ashamed. He didn’t want me to wait, never asked me to… we made no commitement in this life to honor between us. He made a choice and so have I, our paths have separated for the time being and I will make best of the time I’m given. I am more than just a twin flame, I am my own. I will write my own story, according to how I see fit or what is needed of me to write.

And I didn’t like how I was when I focused on just him. I didn’t like that I let the pain swallow me whole. It wasn’t fair to me. I might have been the runner and I might have ruined it all, but it takes two to tango. Not everything is entirely my fault. I’ve made my mistakes and have my regrets, but there are things that aren’t in my realm to do. So I’ve made a life for myself, found a guy that cares about me and actually wants to be with me.   There is no shame and I will do right by him.

I’m finally moving through my life. My next goal: to drop 30-40 lbs. I want to drop the weight I gained when I got injured at work. Since the beginning of January, I’ve been out with an injured knee. I have the type of injury that never truly heals — you just gotta deal with it. I just recently started work again and I’m ready to make some life changes as well as lifestyle changes.

I have a membership at Planet Fitness. Just signed up today (or rather yesterday)! And I’m sooo psyched. I got dinner entrees (yes, I know frozen, microwaveable, but I’ll take what I can get) and FiberOne bars at Walmart along with sport bras. Just need to stop by Target to get some new shoes to only use at the gym. I am going to be on a strict “diet” plan (well for the most part … can’t be good all the time). The one thing I hope I don’t lose but probably will is my boob size. My boobs GREW like a cup-size. I used to be a 34A/36A but now a 36B. Maybe, if I do this right I won’t lose them, but either way, I have to do this.

Anyway, time to sleep. Have to get up @ 6AM. Joe wants to go fishing all day and wants to go early. It’s 2:34AM and I need to get at least some sleep (even though I’ll sleep when we get to the fishing hole).