Did you want me to bleed out
all the pain I have stored inside
You don’t know what you’re asking of me
You don’t even know the cost
of such a deed
And I bleed — I’m bleeding
through this wound
You’ve cut open wide again

And the air is too thick
too stifling to breathe easily
Don’t you know what you’ve done

—

Behind this mask, I’m a puzzle
a mystery to be solved
And for awhile, I was afraid
of what you’d find beneath
But I’m starting to realize
It’s not so bad
What you ask of me
It’s not so bad
Just as long as your there
when I first see my reflection
That’s all I ask of you
Is to comfort me if I fall
And I may need to hold on to you
I may need you to be strong for me
Because I haven’t been myself
Been so rooted in myself
For a long, long time
So please, be patient
I’m not as brave
as I’d like to be
but I’m fixed, stubborn,
and change scares me
But I’m going through changes
inevitable changes — and I’d rather
be going through changes
with you than on my own
and whether this is a sign
of weakness — it’s a strength
to admit when you need help
And I need your help
It’s going to be a long road ahead

But I’m ready.

I have so much to say, but it seems as though I’ve forgotten how to form words. How to form words into sentences — phrases — something… anything. I used to be able to talk about so much. But now, I’m finding it difficult to express how I really feel. I used to think I was very blunt and up front about myself, but what I’ve come to realize is the exact opposite.

I only wanted what I wanted people to see. I figured if I put on a strong, courageous front then I was giving them what they wanted. I was giving them what I wanted, but at the end of the day, you realize you’re just living a lie. Maybe I am like Dorian Grey and all my sins are depicted on this hidden painting of myself. But will it kill me to see who I truly am? Will this new existence cripple me?

I believe in reincarnation. I believe that the Soul never dies and you’ve had multiple lives. Each life you learn something as well create karma that is needed to be dealt with the next lesson. I believe the Soul must grow, recreate, re-examine itself, and unravel to find and seek the TRUTH. The TRUTH is what everyone seeks. The TRUTH has always been internal and never external. The meaning of life — the reason for existence has always been internal — not tangible by the physical limitations of this world. That is why the Soul must forever continue a cyclical pattern until all the lessons have been learnt.

The fears and paranoias we have in this life have been triggered by things that have happened in this life or lifetimes prior. Things that we have not yet come to terms with, lessons we must learn and conquer. And I understand that to some people I may sound like a lunatic, but I will stand by my faith in my beliefs and in myself.

I’m very much into spiritual growth. I’m into the idea that our salvation is found through freeing ourselves internally from the outter world. Our inner world or our inner universe is too precious to be trampled on and supressed. But we have all done it… been told that it isn’t “the way” or it isn’t right. And I believe them — I must have. But that sacred garden within you is and will always be there, no matter how much you bury it inside of you.

I’ve seen some of my past lives. And up until presently, I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t want to relive those experiences away. I locked them up inside of me — left them in the corner of my psyche under lock and key. Except something happened, someone came into my life and made me realize that it’s time to fight. It’s time to pick yourself off the ground and realize you are not weak… and you are not defeated. It’s taken me this long to realize that his presence and his existence in my life was not meant to harm me but to wake me up. For the majority of my blog posts, I’ve b*tched and moaned about this guy who came into my life and made such an impact. It’s taken me this long to realize why I never wanted to come to the conclusion I knew I’d find — whether it be that yes, I love this man and that I’ve been running from him because I’ve been running from myself.

And it’s just an insane realization, but it never mattered truly if he loves me or not. It is the fact, I could not and WOULD NOT come to terms with myself — that deep down inside, I could not look myself in the mirror and be proud of who I am.

I didn’t understand why I was this insecure and what caused so much frenzied terror that I cared for someone. And the idea that a person like that could maybe like me scared me shitless beyond belief, because I truly believed that they’d see through me into the eyes of the one person I’ve been hiding all along deep within me. I wondered why I never stood up for myself when it counted the most. Why I let guys trample over me… even my ex-boyfriend. Why if I didn’t tell them to stop EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME they put it in that it fucking hurt and they needed to let me fucking adjust… and I just didn’t realize what the entire backstory was. I didn’t realize why I felt the way I do (especially about myself).

From what I gathered, I’ve had some really… some of my past lives aren’t pretty. I’m not going to lie about it. I think I’ve just been running from it too long that, it’s just time to come clean. In two of my past lives, I was abused by my husband or rather husbands. What sucks is that I’ve actually met the both of them in this life… it took me some time to piece it altogether, but maybe if I just say it, it’ll be easier to just come out.

Sometimes, these visions would come at random times and they’d just take over out. It’s like going into a deep trance and there is no way out. There is no true evil beyond human perception. We create our own internalized demons. The negativity people feel are from spirits who have not yet passed on (meaning individuals who are trapped in their karma and instead of going into their next life, they stay and relive their tragic, horrific experiences). The world remains and exists — there’s no doubt that it remembers everything. History has bleed into the soil of this earth. And sometimes it bleeds into different realities.

In my visions, I used to get attacked by these so-called demons. It would always start as one-on-one and the end they’d begin to multiply. But when it began, it would just take hold and it was like I was there and I couldn’t open my eyes. It would basically beat me up, torture me, hurt me… it was sadistic. They always tried to kill me, but I realized it was never that simple. They wanted me to suffer, to feel pain. And I would feel it, I’d feel all the pain they’d inflict. They’d choke and I truly couldn’t breathe. I remember one instance they dragged a knife across my collarbone area and I remember screaming and hearing me scream in that realm. I could hear my screams echoing. I felt that pain as if it was actually happening. Everything always felt real. They would always tell me I was worthless, that I never deserved Love, and I certainly never would be worthy of him.

HUSBAND #1 (from past life)
He would hit me, punch me, choke me… beat me senseless. And I’d remember these horrific scenes — scenes of rape, scenes of him bringing other women to our house to have sex in our bed because I couldn’t be enough of a woman to satisfy him. That I could never be enough for him and I felt it was my fault. I thought I could explain what happened in detail, but I’m starting to realize it’s a little harder to talk about than I realized. I do remember one thing. I was pregnant with his child and I remember him beating me. I told him that he was going to hurt the baby. He continue to punch and kick me specifically in the abdomen and told me that he didn’t want to have the fucking baby anyway, that it was just a trap to make him stay with me… afterwards, he left after opening the fridge, grabbing a beer, and making his way to the other room. I looked down and saw blood pooling around… I remember what I felt like after I miscarried — felt empty. The doctors told me I couldn’t have children again. I did manage to get out of the marriage — to get a divorce. I had met a loving man who wanted me, loved me, cared for me… but I threw it all way because I couldn’t imagine how he could love a person like me. I couldn’t give him children. I wasn’t enough of a woman…

HUSBAND #2 (from another past life)
He actually loved me almost insanely, but he was very insecure of himself. He was jealous of everyone. He was also in the army. The one instance I remember was that he acused me of looking at another man (one of his colleagues) and he punished me by raping me. He accused me of cheating on him. He told me repeatedly that no other man would want me that he just took pity on me — and thats why he married me. He actually killed me. He said that if he couldn’t have me then he’d make sure no other man could have me. He killed me by choking me while he raped me.

I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense. It probably won’t, but all of this is a part of the process. The past, the present, and the future are ALWAYS connected. Always. I’ve met both of these men in my present life. All of the impacted my life and no they weren’t sexually connected to me, but both of these men had attempted to further enter my life with the intention of making a “love” match. If I hadn’t met this guy, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have had the will to say “no”, to let it pass by.

The next image/vision was definitely of my own spiritual journey. I was walking through this hospital. Everything was like a black-and-white film. And I entered this room. This girl was strapped to the hospital bed. She had bruises, scars, and wounds all over her body. She looked absolutely horrific. The girl was me.

I don’t exactly remember everything that happened. Only that she started screaming at me — saying phrases like: Look at me! Say it! Say what you’re really thinking! Tell me you’re ashamed! You can’t even look at me! This is why you’ve kept me locked up inside this godforsaken room, because you’re ashamed of me! Of yourself! ADMIT IT! Admit that you hate me!

And that’s when I broke. I can’t even put into words truly what I actually said. I just admitted the entire truth. I admitted that I was ashamed of myself. That I couldn’t stand to look at her because it reminded of all the things that I said I’d never be. That I let this happen, that I never stood up for myself, that these scars, cuts, bruises were all my fault. And I was ashamed of myself for letting this happen, to having it get this far.

I’ve been running from the truth for so long that I’ve buried it deep inside me (like repressed memories). After I let that out, it was actually easier to talk to her. She explained that yes she was a part of me, but that I was broken. Souls will remain broken until they finally integrate into One.

It’s like when you look at yourself in a full length mirror. And say that mirror breaks. Each pieces reflects and represents you. You are broken until you are repaired (until you integrate all these small pieces until one again). It’s like you need to put yourself back together and see yourself for who you truly are before you can truly accept why someone could possibly love you or care for you. It’s not that you don’t believe — it’s that you’re so broken that each piece has its own story. Each piece of a legit reason for either believing or not believing.

I took this girl (who was me battered and bruised) outside. She was too weak to walk so I wheeled her out in a wheelchair. She said she wanted to see the sun — that it had been too long since she’d seen the Light. We had a conversation — and maybe a sane person would understand that this could be borderline psychotic (that you are having a conversation with yourself who represents a piece of you). She said a lot of things that threw me. She said that I knew in my heart that deep down I’ve always known the truth. She said that it has nothing to do with the reflection I see in the mirror, it has to do with the universe I create. She told me to look around and see the beauty I created. That THIS is what the right man sees. And the right man has already seen the scars that she bares and is not afraid. That he’d see them as tokens of lessons learned, of lessons to become a better and improved version of myself – the real me.

Before I left I gave her haircut, I gave her the same haircut as me. She asked me why because the haircut would open up her face so everyone could truly see her. I told her that the more I look at her, the more I realize its not as bad as I thought it was. That it was time to see her, truly her. She was still healing so I made a hammock-like bed for her and personal “nurse” who wouldn’t neglect her. I know that may seem irrelevant since this is all in my mind. But I’m starting to realize, that it’s time that I take care of myself. This is the first step.

She had said that the process of integration would be long. Healing takes time. The more I accept her, her scars, bruises, cuts… the more I’ll understand myself and the more I accept myself — the more I’ll love myself. I can’t change past, but I can learn to accept it and learn from it — to realize it is a part of me.

Maybe this type of healing is supposed to be done in therapy or some psychological institution, but I do believe as my good friend has told me that all the answers come from within.

There’s just so many questions and so many things left unresolved. And it’s like waiting for Christmas to come, but it’s months late. It’s like waiting for summer to come with its rays of sunlight to brighten up the sky, but all I feel and see is winter surrounding me.

I’m very good at hiding things away and burying them in graves so I don’t have to FEEL — it’s not something I want to feel. I mean I’ve already realized the impending conclusion, but it is an entirely different to feel the weight of them. The heaviness of it is painful consuming. Emotions I didn’t want to open up are like hidden rivers crashing against rock, attempting to break through the wall to get out into the open.

I’d rather not know how deep I can feel, because it can also determine the depth of pain I feel. I don’t want to admit certain things… I don’t even want to let it all out, because of what it means. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry randomly.

It’s like wound (even if infected) scabbed over. And maybe I was closing myself off. Maybe I thought it was better, but I hate feeling this out of control. I don’t like knowing there is nothing I can do about it. Sure, I can screw all the male population if I really wanted, but what would that truly accomplish? The fact still remains they aren’t him and they never will be. And the idea of getting everything out of your system doesn’t work out this way at least.

I might be strong, but I’m not that strong. Not like that – not like this. I don’t want the truth to come out, because what would that truly accomplish? That I can’t let it go? That this really has f*cked me up pretty badly? That I can’t stop thinking of him? That sometimes I really wish I never met him, because then maybe life would be a little more easier to endure?

What does it accomplish to confess it’s been like WHAT — HOW LONG and I CAN’T GET OVER THIS!?! I can’t bounce back? I didn’t like it when I figured out before that my emotions weighed heavily upon his presence? I hated that fact — it made me hate myself to be quite honest. That you could care for someone so deeply that your happiness can be affected like that… it’s obsessive, crazy obsessive. I mean who would honestly find that aspect of someone at all attractive?

I mean to be shaken to the core? That nothing will be the same again? Is it supposed to be like this? Feel like this? Hurt this badly. Sometimes, I just want to cry, scream, punch something — and it scares me that this affects me so much. It’s not fair. Because it’s never been like this. Not even with my ex… and AT LEAST I TOUCHED HIM AND WAS WITH HIM! This — this is just doesn’t make sense. It never makes or made sense.

How can someone love someone so damn much that it completely SHATTERS everything — like how you used to see things. The things you used to care about, the things you thought you wanted and needed aren’t at all what you want now. It’s just not fair. I’ve always been independent person — I never needed anyone or anything else but myself. And now, I’m just STUCK.

And it hurts because you know that he’s probably getting along just fine without you. You probably didn’t make a dent in his life… you don’t haunt him. And that what hurts you even more, scares you, haunts you. You’ve given so much of yourself to something, to someone who might’ve not ever given you a care in the world. And what makes it even worse is the fact it doesn’t even matter if he did or didn’t — you’re still where you are.

And the last thing you ever wanted to admit to yourself is that you need him, need him more than physical purposes — purposes that transcend the physical limits that is primarily related to emotional purposes. I said a long time ago: I’d only give myself and give my all to someone who can shake me deep down inside and requires the giving of everything — mind, body, and soul — all or nothing.

I just didn’t think it would happen. I didn’t think it was real to find something that deep, feel that deep and it’s a pain that transcends physical hurt. It’s much worse — so much worse. And I’ll never truly recover. How do you go on after something like? Can you? Can you really pretend to fall in love with someone else? Enjoy sexual encounters, pretend its fulfilling and satisfying? Because I know after it all, it’ll just feel f*cking empty. And it’s not worth feeling that sickened with yourself. I know that’s how it would be. I think I lost all appetite for that sort of physical contact — it’s only temporary relief.

What’s worse about loving someone like this — is that you really do have this strange NEED… thirst — that can’t ever be satisfied truly by anyone or anything else. Might as well admit it myself here and now: I need him. And it just sucks. Just so damn frustrating.

It just doesn’t makes sense — I don’t make sense anymore.

There are times that I wonder if I’ll ever be able to do what I am needed to do. Yes, there has been more than one occasion when I’ve fallen into the pattern of believing I’m a failure. But most of the time, I HAVE TO remain positive, because that is all I have left. There’s just got to be more to life than this. And maybe it is foolish to believe in the things I do, but they are real to me.

This morning the strangest thing happened. I’m fairly sure I astral projected again. It’s been periods of time between the various times I have managed to do it. I don’t think I’ve ever explained where I’ve been to or what it feels like. It is very much feeling like you’re flying when it actually happens. You do feel like you’re exiting out of your body and flying. You are aware that you are moving and sometimes you do feel like you’re almost paralyzed. But what I’ve come to realize is that if you fight it, the shorter the session it will be and sometimes more of the complications you encounter. And when you lose that thread, you keep grasping at it hoping to hold unto the plane you’re on, but for the most part, I haven’t mastered that process.

I think the only reason I kept teetering back and forth was, because I wasn’t the only partcipant in the experience. I kept being tugged back. I felt as if the connection or presence hovering remained intact and influencing at the back of my neck. I’ve come across the reason – it’s because of my necklace. I’ve made a particular necklace and the properties of the gemstones/crystals helped/encouraged this connection. This particular experience was different from the other times it has happened.

Most of the time, it is only me traveling and I do feel another presence — probably the same presence as I felt this morning. Since the details of the encounter this morning are extremely intimate, I’d rather not include such details. Because I do believe that my encounter was joint and therefore, I MUST respect the other party involved.

The other times, I’ve found myself encountering such moments is usually at night. Most of the times were because (in the easiest way to explain) my body is asleep and my mind is awake. There are only a few other times I’ve had this happened. Yes, they only started happening the senior year of college for me (actually EVERYTHING started happening at that point to be quite honest). The first time it happened was during my Spring semester. I went to two places. I was really tired at the time even my mind was tired, but for some reason, sleep just wasn’t an option. I making an attempt at trying to get some sleep, but my mind seemed to be alive. It was probably late morning. This image appeared in a sphere as if I was looking through someone else’s eyes. I was looking up at the sky except there were trees around. It was a sunny day and the sky was definitely a nice blue. The image was bouncing like I was walking with my head back. Then I was transported back into my parent’s house. The image now was actually blown up totally. It was like I was actually there standing near the counter and the kitchen table. I was watching my mom steer around my dad’s old recliner chair. She was walking toward me with her sweats on.

The next encounter happened within the months after I graduated from college. It was strange. When it started happening, I felt the tug and then I felt like I was flying. It’s like you hear and feel the wind rushing against your face. I swear you feel it on you and around your body. I was hovering above this map of the united states. But it’s like those Atlas globes (except you’re floating above the actual planet), but it’s the state map. All I know I was heading South and I don’t know where I went I just know I was going and descending. I went into this room like an apartment or something. But while I was descending into this room, there were these pages of this comic book flipping in front of me. It was like an actual comic book. The only reason I came back, because I wanted to get the hair out of my face. But made a swipe at it, I felt myself being pulled back.

Later on that summer, I was pulled into this entirely different room. It wasn’t like an apartment. It was an actual room in the house. The bed was up against the wall and there was this long dresser/bureau with a mirror attached against the opposite wall. I went over to the windows and managed to look through the blinds. I do remember being pulled somewhere like into someone. Because I sleep on my stomach most of the time. Then for some reason, I felt myself being drawn upright like I was lying on my back. That’s when I came rushing back into my body, except I felt like my mind was still there. I do remember someone was in that bed.

Later on in the year, I was drawn into an apartment. It was slightly different from the other one. The bed was at first pushed up near the window. There was like a desk with a computer or laptop (i’m not quite sure) on that surface. It was like near the door to the room. The room was longer than it was wide. It was decent room. I just remember looking down as if I was floating around near the ceiling. I went back at some point months later, but it was little different. I think the bed might’ve been in a different place but the same room. I was floating above except I was floating towards the window. I could see out of the window — they were very spacious. You could look into the building across the street into these rectangular windows into the life of that building. They could’ve been apartments, but everything was happening so fast.

Another encounter happened, but not with flying. I was waking up and I think maybe I hadn’t pulled myself back yet. There was like this window/sphere in front of me. It was like seeing an image as if you’re seeing a film or movie within it. Kinda like an oval sphere with smudged perimeter right in front of me. It was in the middle like how you view something. It was like right in the middle of your eyesight (centered). There was a guy sitting on the sofa. It’s like he couldn’t fall asleep and yes I know who he is, but I just figured maybe I was just dreaming. Wishful thinking. I was wondering why he was up still, because it was the middle of night.

The one thing I can say about this mornings encounter — it just felt real. Everything felt real. It was interesting — incredibly interesting.

Song Lyrics~ Just Foolish by Me (2009)

It is foolish – but yes, I wonder if
in an alternate reality, I had the strength
to get over you and move on
And the next time I’d see you
You’d see me walking hand in hand
with another man looking at me
the way I wished you were looking at me

::CHORUS…
And would it hurt you to know
that I’ve managed to get along
just fine without you
would it just burn to know
while I’m making love to him
I’m not thinking of how
it would like
to be like this with you
Because all I’m thinking about
is him and not you

You would see the glint of the jewel
in my wedding ring — and you would see
how much this man loves me
would that cause you pain
would you regret ever letting me go
tell me would it just kill you
to watch me looking at him, loving him
the way you always wanted me to

::CHORUS…
And would it hurt you to know
that I’ve managed to get along
just fine without you
would it just burn to know
while I’m making love to him
I’m not thinking of how
it would like
to be like this with you
Because all I’m thinking about
is him and not you

::BRIDGE::
But it’s just all the same
Because I know that
if I was sharing my body
with another man
I’d be thinking of you
And I guess it’s just foolish
to think of things that will never happen

::CHORUS…
But would it hurt you to know
that I’ve managed to get along
just fine without you
would it just burn to know
while I’m making love to him
I’m not thinking of how
it would like
to be like this with you
Because all I’m thinking about
is him and not you

But there’s not sense in denying it
No sense in lying about it
Because I’m too deep, too consumed
And he’d always be second best
to you, he’d always be second best
And I couldn’t look at him
knowing how I feel about you

so it’s just foolish…
just foolish…

—-

Song Lyrics~ Did You Know by me (2009)

Sometimes the days slide into night
and I miss the transition from light to dark
Until the moon hanging in the sky
Catches my notice in the corner of my eye

::Chorus…
Did you know that my heart
still waits in anticipation
for my eyes to absorb the sight
of your face? For the light in your eyes
to catch fire? Just to know you’re alive,
just to know you’re breathing
And my breath would catch in my throat
and I’d feel once again alive

I’ve heard it all before
Been here standing at the edge
of this abyss, feels like standing
at the tip of the sword
one slip could cost me so much
but I’m still standing here
waiting for you to come rescue me
from this place I find myself

::Chorus…
Did you know that my heart
still waits in anticipation
for my eyes to absorb the sight
of your face? For the light in your eyes
to catch fire? Just to know you’re alive,
just to know you’re breathing
And my breath would catch in my throat
and I’d feel once again alive

::Bridge::
It’s getting harder to breathe
every single day, knowing you are so far away
and it is getting heavier in my chest
and my legs are growing weak
from carrying this on my back for so long
all the while, you’re so far away

::Chorus…
Did you know that my heart
still waits in anticipation
for my eyes to absorb the sight
of your face? For the light in your eyes
to catch fire? Just to know you’re alive,
just to know you’re breathing
And my breath would catch in my throat
and I’d feel once again alive

Sometimes the days slide into night
and I miss the transition from light to dark
Until the moon hanging in the sky
Catches my notice in the corner of my eye

but I will wait, I will wait
standing at the tip of the sword
waiting for your next move

Each flame – each pair – must master
and harness their own
before Fate
before Karma
can rightfully bring
the faithful back together

Mastery of True Self
sans ego is the ultimated price –
cost – that must be paid
before the two spiritual
identities can reunite
on the earthly plane.

There is much to be done
and if Twin Flames — Twin Souls
cannot handle the Torch
the undeniable passion and intensity;
all good — all fruit that
could and shall be provided
by such a divine pairing.
shall suffer the painful loss
that transcends just them.

Listen True Believers — Truth Seekers
Bearers of Knowledge, Wisdom,
and immortal light
You are bond to your fate
as you are bond together
‘Tis your destiny to take
‘Tis your destiny to bear
Whatever may come
for it is your faith
in love
that shall save
the condemned Souls
and Spirits
which lie in the clutches
of the wicked and evil
You are their hope,
their guiding light
That will break upon them
in their hour of need
For my dear blessed souls,
you were chosen for this time
to do you biding
for the good of humanity
for the sake of humanity

For life of flesh is fleeting
But the Soul is Timeless
Remember whom and who
Thy once was and always is
Shed your former skin
and embrace the Light
Baptize yourself – your core,
your deeds, you Spirit
And carry out your
True service.

For the time draws near
’tis very close indeed
that the world shall
bow and falter
the ruins of historic reverence
will become haunting reminders
of what once was
and now is no more
This is a warning — Children of Light
Shed these insipid, degrading
Skins that are heavy
chains shackled around
your Self.
where only Ego can destroy
and coerce you to abide
by trivial, sensless
acts of fleshy demise.
Have you forgotten
The Calling – Have you
forgotten the true essence
Has it left you. Don’t be blinded
It’s absolutely a necessity
for all to realize and
recognize
That if you remain
enslaved by your Ego –
All be lost
All shall fall
and the devastation
shall be greater than
the limitless universe.

Remember the melody,
remember the words
remember the song — the tune
that breathed into you
Life. Love. Light.
Recognize it. Sing it. Feel it.
Taste it and cherish it.
For those who remember
the enchanting divine memory
shall rise above and
Transcend the limits
and restraints and constraints
of Time
Rise above the many domains,
planes, and
seek refuge in their
true divine place
in their rightful HOME
HOME — where the peace,
the gentle, fragile bliss
can be ravaged by the
mere shred of imbalance.
For the battle of Good
and Evil will forever wage
‘Tis a battle where
the noble shall transcend
their foe: their Ego
and that is the only the
beginning my dear friends.

I did not wish to sully
or taint your blissful
state of condition
But certainly — surely
you knew that
your time has come.

So come, come — listen to me
Heed my words, this shall be
a fair warning
My name is of no consequence
for a name is just
a name
But my cause is greater.
I am an angel
That offers you all
Some much needed advice
and wisdome
which I hope all shall
partake in the fruit I bear.

The development of Souls of Light
is nearing absolute completion.
It has been foreshadowed
That humanity shall suffer
a fleshy death
before understanding
their true nature
their true and divine Self.
After many lives, many lessons
That all ye Souls have
undergone and still are
in the process of undergoing.
The transformation — the imminent reality
of what Life truly entails
is not what fortune that
can be sowed upon the
earthly plane — dimension
‘Tis not the survival, ’tis not
the misunderstood sense
of POWER and ENERGY.
‘Tis not the remedial,
outlandish remedies
to win or earn favor
and preference to the
Gateway of Eden
or fall nto the ruins
of the godforsaken void — Hell.
For you must know by now
the existence of
GOOD and EVIL
is merely a trial
a test to deem
and justify your entrance
into the world
you have known.
Where there is no human perception
of Time. For time only matters
to those whom rely upon
the measure of longevity
given to them as a way
to measure of plan their
lives.
For the world of Flesh grants
no grand purposes
except a certain stage
in which you are encased
’til spirit is ready
to answer the familiar call:
the one that all know,
but few rarely stop
and recognize
Until now, until
recently the awakened
Spirit has stirred
from within its
fleshy bed.
The journey of Souls
is true meaning
of Life.
You see, my dear wards
There is no immediate death nor
birth
existence has alway
been maintained.
We are Light — we are
a part of the Source
for we are generated
from the Universal Source
which has supplied
the essence and knowledge
of Life to which
we all are accustomed
to know
Now, now — some may
feel perplexed, confused
and some may be elated
But ’tis a shame
For all of you — know of your
True Potential
in Mind, in Body,
and in Spirit.
I shall shed Light
upon such matters that are deemed
as unforseen, unknown
mystic, spiritual truths.
What ’tis really the meaning
of Life? What ’tis your
purpose?
And until now – they have
been kept under careful
and watchful care.
But Time is drawing near,
drawing to an
inevitable close.
And some may be
beside saving: Thou ’tis
our hope
That when the time
for the ultimate discarding
of the fleshy exterior
has run its course
That all will have
been give a chance
to See
and to decide.
Religion is nothing more
and nothing more a parlor trick
Was supposed to be
a safehaven, shelter
communities that served
under a banner of Truth
unfied, united Truth
Not served a battlelines
of mediocre decrees of
proper etiquette
of morality. The design of religion
was not meant to enslave
to brainwash, to convert
in an utopian ideal and representation
of what religion entailed
is where the hopeful
transition of
what Life is truly about
could be studied, aided,
assisted, and
recognzied and realized.
The sacrificial nature that
religious views have mistook
in communication
is not to sacrifice
the welfare of
humanity.
Nay, nay — ’twas to help humanity
find and achieve salvation
but not by fleshy
and bodily sacrifice
‘Twas to ride the former…

Let me exlain: The battle
between Good and Evil
is only subject to those
whom still have not
gained the Writ of Passage
In the Biblical context, that
the battle is truly not with
the flesh, but truly Spiritual
is possibly the only
cncept closest to
thee actual understanding.
The Soul cannot achieve
transcendence until
it achieves the ancient
knowledge of
WHAT the soul
truly is.
Those whom have made
the distinction
readily understand that
Soul goes beyond
the conceptual
human understanding
of reality and Life.
Originally, the human concept
of Life is tied to
thee strict constraints
of the human life span
Narrowminded: They cannot and
will not SEE the full
picture.
REALITY — or the state of
reality cannot be measured
by Human Basic Standards
or Understanding
What Life is the
neverending journey
of discovery the Nature
of the Soul
It is very complex — yes
But I am certain,
there is a bearing
or a grain of
familiar understanding
THE SOUL
or the inner existence
of your True Self
is subjected to go
through these routinely
systematic trials
in order to realize
that there is more to
THEM than their
human body
or human self.
Once this connection has been
made that THAT
is where the real journey
of the meaning
of Life begins.
The remembrance of past lesson
learned, the trials
the Soul has faced
and the emotional weight
and undertow
of the value
and sensitivity of
the Spectrum of
Emotion
is a significant part in
discovering the KEY…
Reality serves only the
purpose of a frame
to decipher
and provide the necessity
of MATTER
to encase the fragile
(as of now) the
understanding of
it ALL.
In all frank and candid
terms, I shall provide the full truth.
Pratical reality — reality
has Souls know
is never truly fixed.
‘Tis ever changing.
For as energy, there is
no need for physical matter.
The world is created
solely by energy — vibrates
by PURE energy
Science, mathematics
help to provide human
understanding to
the structure of
a world, the biological
and systematic make up
in order to gain individual
wisdom to defining and
forming a foundation
Now – art, music, English, writing,
and any forms of truly ART
is to help humanity express
the complex nature of Soul
The energies of Soul –
which vividly display
a canvas of dualistic,
polar energies
divided into
modes of
which
can be identified
as dark, white,
and gray areas.
History is the power
of the Soul to remember
and gain the skill to
remember. It helps also
to retain lessons of
the past that have
influenced the
masses.
All of this was
and is — necessary in
the development of
Soul.
Once Soul has recognized
their signature vibratory energy,
whether through a
sequence of events
orchestrated in helping
to identify, to
recognize their
entire and absolute
potential.
They now must
defeat their foe (as religious
context alludes)
They must now separate
the concrete reality they’ve
known — to once again
gain entrance
to the True World: their
True Home.
In order to do so, one
must master themself
to discover their True Self,
which has remained
asleep ’til
the Calling
awakened them
to their true cause,
true existence,
and true reality.
Mind over matter.
Having faith to trust
Yourself
over the bodily human demands
for the need of
humanistic modes
of security.
You see: The existence of Emotions
are not truly a part
of the human standards.
As a part of dualistic polarities
of energies, which
are transfered into negative
and positive connatations
of energy.
This “measurement” of energy is
given a name to classify
this flow of energy
For example, known emotions
range from sad to happy.
Now LOVe
is the ultimate vibration
that brings the existence
of Soul and Energy to a
necessary state of
awareness.
LOVe has no dualistic polarity
Contrary to belief, Love can
be seen negatively and
positively.
However, ’tis when
the Collapse of Duality
is harnessed
that Pure Love, Pure
Energy, Pure Light
neutralizes. Balances.
It is the ultimate
and only way to reach
Absolute Zero.
The Equilibrium
of Self, of Soul, of True Reality
can only be successfully
achieved and maintained
by achieving that neutralized
balanced state –
the Absolute Zero,
the Collapse in duality,
or in emotional
religious/spiritual terms
as Unconditional
Love.
‘Tis only then that
the final journey of the Soul
achieving Divine Status
can be ensured.
To be Divine, to be godlike, to be
a relic of religious, spiritual being
of its highest Order
is in essence to become just
that. In order to achieve
Divinity is to become it.
This means the state of
the Individualized True Self
must be equally intensified
magnetized, objectified
and personalized to
achieve the maximum
energized state of
their own individual
polarity.
Therefore, their mate — their
opposite polarity can
create the energized state
to create a type of
void or vaccuum
in which they are pulled
together by their own
Truest Nature
of their polarity
to fuse together
creating internal, binding
union — which eliminates
the chaotic states
created by intended
Dualism
By creating this intended
States of Dualism,
it exemplified the contradictary
nature of having the
ability to choose,
and yet knowing
Fate and Destiny
eliminate Choice.
However, do not get discouraged
Choice is still needed
to solidify the means
and the end.
Without permission,
the fusion between
Twin Flames — Twin Souls
cannot be binding.
Therefore, the Soul keeps
learning, feeling,
and retaining
Until their time
of their “Collapse of Duality”
is melded together
upon BOTh
the Spiritual
and the Earthly plane.
‘Tis only then
that their united Souls
– the Sacred Marriage,
Sacred Unity, Sacred
Binding Merge
can finally come back
home.
The readiness and Preparation
Of Souls is the
ultimate foundation
in harvesting their
Highest Potential

The Twin Flames and Souls
whom are blessed
as well as cursed
to have discovered
this point and counterpoint
in themself and their
True Match — True Mate
have a long, hard jounrey
they must partake.
‘Tis called “the
Dance of Souls”
Tis a shame that
the Souls cannot seem
to see that Salvation
is not entirely through
religious ideals.
Religious and spiritual stories
You must understand
convey, represent,
and foreshadow
through symbolism
Religion (if used appropriately)
can inspire the Soul
to become their Highest, most
Divine Potential.
The same lessons learned
are the same lessons educating
the Soul in remembering…
God is real in a sense,
but he not man
nor is he of
masculine
or feminine polarity
God is the Ultimate Source,
which all Souls have
derived from.
God is Love in its Purest or Truest
form.
But you must remember
God is not meant
to be known alone
on the humanistic
and basic terms.
There are many –
if not an infinite
number
signifying the importance
of such a union.
The thematic nature
is the marriage of
man and wife,
the relationship,
the story of Eden,
lovemaking that leads to
the Ultimate Orgasm–
if you look hard enough,
this exact theme is
recounted, retold,
and reemphasized
in ALL and everything
that exists in the Earthly
human plane.
The World itself is a representation
a model
in which the Soul
can discover its True Self
by harnessing the
energy learned.
The end of Duality
is the end of birth an death
but the renewed reality
of Existence
and of Life.
So to my dear, dear
Twin Flames and Twin Souls
who are in the midst of
this process
of discovering their True Self
and of Collapsing
Duality
know that your suffering,
your pain, your confusion,
your faith, and your
need and demand,
and the inevitable
are not endured through
in vain purposes.
‘Tis a reason for all
the madness, chaos
that you have
chanced upon.
All will be known
in Time.
Now that I have given you
insight in the knowledge of
the “Meaning Of Life”, I
will gain much pleasure in
educating Twin Flames/Twin
Souls — the incredible,
sublime nature of
their connection,
relationship, and
purpose.

Writing used to be like breathing to me. Words would flow through me like a strong, rushing stream. Since the foundation and growth of my word depended on this source of water, the world I created stemmed from from the same source. The lush and vivid colors of nature flourished within. This transfered into the written word — a meager attempt to paint what blossomed in my mind.

It had been so easy, because I naively believed that I was escaping from my troubles. But what I hadn’t realized is through my writing, I wrote of what was deeply embedded within me and influenced me. All my fears, desires, hopes, and dreams were all transformed in this world of mine.

It’s only been recently that I’ve heard the sound of rushing water. The current of that stream has picked up and I can see myself standing at the edge of the stream. It’s like I’m once again opening my eyes and awakening. And even though my eyes are catching glimpses of a landscape that is much needed to be revived, the fact I can once again see this place… I can actually feel and sense this mystical place. It gives me hope that soon the world will be brought back to life.

I’ve been creating a lot — small things like beading. I used to be an Artist in the fullest sense of the word. I liked to create Art — since we are all in essence Art. We are Art and because of this, we become Artists of our own destiny. Although the story is old as time itself, we are the authors of our own life. Some things are fixed, inevitable, but how we get there is all in the actions we choose to create, the path we choose to follow.

It’s akin to sensing, feeling, tasting, and smelling this invisible world within your present every day world — and knowing that it’s there. And the Call to draw these two worlds together seems be getting even stronger every moment. It’s like a song you’ve heard before. It gets stuck in your head and you’re almost crazed to decifer the reason — why this song? the meaning? what it represents… and what it has to do with you. It’s in those moments that you feel undeniably interconnected to everything and anything.

And it’s in those moment — you feel the need and desire to help yourself and other transcend the limitations of physical reality. Because reality is never what it seems, but Truth is rarely what it seems.

Maybe… it’s because I’ve found the same vividness I used to find in my dreams that I find my thoughts. I guess you could call them daydreams. They’re almost like memories or stories that need to be told and seen, but you don’t truly YET understand the meaning (only that it’s incredibly important). It’s almost like watching a movie in your head, but it requires upmost concentration. Ever since these “sessions” began, I’ve found it hard to create anything of substance. It’s almost like your exhausted and it’s not that you don’t want create… it’s just you can handle only so much.

I guess also you can call these daydreams founded through meditation. It’s like you’re drawing deep within yourself and you’re fall quicker and faster. You’re shedding layers at a rapid pace and you wonder if your mental and bodily capacity can handle the transition. I’ve had a lot of daydreams of this place where this big tree (which represents the Tree Of Life) is. And someone is usually waiting or joins me there. I was led there by these animals that were very protective of me. A series of daydreams happened in this place and even though the scene itself changed — the representation of the Tree was fixed.

As strange as this seems, I usually see myself but it wasn’t me but at the same time it was. It was like a pure essence of me — my higher self. She looked like me — something familiar, but at the same time, she was different from me. How I perceived her was very earthy — she wore her hair in loose and wavy curls. She would wear those flowy dresses and skirts. And her eyes were different — they reminded me of my eyes a long time ago. Her eyes — they just seemed to be smiling, this internal peacefulness, and a mysterious light (almost like she was keeping a secret and she was just bursting to tell it). She did remind of who I used to be before I was transformed by the experiences that have hardened me. She’s almost like a free spirit — carefree, all-knowing, and incredibly happy.

Could I trace the lines of your face
Be mesmerized by the way the shapes
align so perfectly
And as my fingertips graze
the corners of your mouth
May I let my eyes wander to your eyes
And ask you with a silent plea

Would you invite me in
Would you let me taste
the first of paradise
‘Cause I’ve been dreaming
of how it would be like
To fall into the unknown
Can we be lost in oblivion?

And I’m not running away tonight
I won’t be running away from
the only thing I’ve ever been running to
Would you believe me
If I said that I’m ready
To take you on this time

Because I want to settle within the arc of your arms
Sway to the our own dance
only our ears can hear the music
Playing in our minds
And I want to feel it
feel the flow of energy
building, passing, exchanging
I want to just taste you – just you
feel the beat of your heart beating
in sync with mine

Can we pass time together
in the solitude of our arms
Where only you and I exist
because the moment
I look straight into your eyes
I know time and space will fall away
and it’ll only be you and me, just you and me

And darling, I don’t think you know
But when I feel the most home
is when I’m wrapped into the circle of your arms
hearing and feeling your heartbeat
as I press up against you
And I used to fear the reality
that I needed to be even closer
To transcend the physical barriers

Even though, you’re so far away
And I haven’t heard your voice for days
You’re always here, you’re always here
darling, I’ve found my way back home
I’ve found my way back to you

INFLUENCED BY/ SONG:: Better Man By Pearl Jam

Sometimes, I start remembering things. Things that have happened. When you start to reflect back on your life, you realize that everything is connected and that NOTHING is ever just coincidence.

This song used to haunt me by Pearl Jam (except I only heard parts of the song and I never really understand some of the lyric, but I’d sing or hum the tune). This song reminds me a great deal of the situation with Benjie (my ex). The last time we were together, I had my mind made up. I wanted to the be best girlfriend I could be to him. I felt like I owed it to him and that this was a second chance to start anew.

So I had promised myself that evening when I was driving to his place, that I’d do right by him — that he deserved that. And even though my heart belonged to another man (even then I knew that), I felt as if Benjie wanted me to stay — I’d stay for him. I had given my word that I’d be with him and that I loved him. So along that 2 hour drive to his place, I convinced myself it was the right thing to do and that I’d give him all of me.

I spent the night at his place. I was nervous and the lights were too bright so I made frivilous small talk. But when he started to kiss me, I tried to convince myself that this was how it was supposed to feel like. I tried not to think about how I wished he didn’t use so much tongue… or how sloppy, wet, and clumsy his kisses were. And I didn’t want to think of him, because I knew Benjie couldn’t ever be him and it was wrong to even think of him while I was with someone else.

The next morning, I thought we’d have another round, but he didn’t try for it. Maybe it was because he was tired. But he was awake and I was awake. We were awake for thirty minutes before he decided to get up and get ready for his job. But he never reached for me. I didn’t even have my glasses on, but I didn’t have to read his facial expressions to know that something had changed. The atmosphere was different. It was like he knew it was over and that this was the last time he’d ever see me. It’s like he knew that this was it. And I think if he had tried anything, he wouldn’t have had the strength to let me go.

When he left, I had wrote him a note and put it on his pillow before I left. I wanted to assure him that everything would be okay and that we’d figure it out together… that I wasn’t giving up on us. Yes, I had met the man of my dreams, but I had a man in my life that cared for me and I wanted to show him once and for all I wasn’t that type of girl that goes for one guy to the next. And I just didn’t want to be that type of girl either. I wanted to prove it to myself that I was a steadfast, strong, and compassionate.

But we had that fight in the middle of November and everything just fell apart. And the thing… it’s just recently that I had realized the irony in our fallout. He had gotten angry at me for the misunderstanding. I hadn’t gone to his place when I should have. He had made plans so we could be together alone, but signals got messed up and everything got twisted around. This was the first time I hadn’t showed up and made a mess of our plans. But he had done that to me more than just one time. He said he’d come up to see me at Easter my junior year of college. I had specifically called my parents and told them I was coming home, because I believed he was coming up. I went out to buy stuff for our little get together — I remember buying us some salsa and chips with strawberry-kiwi Snapple (because I remembered that it was his favorite drink). I waited and waited for him to call and tell me he was here. But the call never came and it was getting later and later. It wasn’t until I gave in and called him that I found he out he wasn’t coming. He said that his car needed to be inspected and he didn’t trust his car to make the trip without something happening. He didn’t even call to tell me that. And even though my heart fell and it hurt like hell, I let it go because he didn’t need it. I told him that it was fine and that at least it was still early (because I could probably make it back in time for Easter dinner with my family). I was like that — I bought him things to cheer him up because I knew he needed a smile.

One Christmas, I got him a bunch of things. I got him a Harry Potter book, Godiva Chocolate, a coffee mug heater, and other such things. I wanted him to receives a lot of gifts, because I kinda new that he was going to luck out this Christmas with his family. I wanted to make it special for him. Christmas should be a happy time. Then there were other times, I dropped stuff off — like something from Godiva (like biscuit/cookies because I knew he loved cookies), gift cards from Dunkin Donuts, and a card to tell him that I missed him and that he was in my thoughts. I just wanted him to know that he was cared for… and I wanted him to feel special. It was important to me to make him know he was a great guy and that he shouldn’t feel unworthy of anything. And even if he hurt me by forgetting to call and things of that nature, I wanted him to know everything was okay and that I still loved him. I tried not to feel put out when I didn’t receive a Christmas gift… the only gift I received ever was really that dolphin ring he got me the summer between my junior and senior year of college.

The ring didn’t fit — I remember that… I had to get it resized. I think I should’ve known then. I had paid for it to get resized. It’s almost like a symbol in itself. I let myself get molded into this person I hardly knew. When I was younger, I had promised myself I’d never change for any guy and that I’d stand up for myself… if a guy was being anything less than a good boyfriend, I’d call them on their bull — because I deserved to be treated well. And it wasn’t that I thought of myself as a spoiled princess, but I thought that the balance of giving and receiving was based on respect and love. I changed into something I said I never would. I mean it was all me — the gift-giving, the signficance… but letting him get away with so many things. I paid his bills and he told me that he’d pay me back. I shovelled out money to him and gave him gifts — no, not out of guilt. I thought that since I couldn’t be with him, that I’d give him small little reminders that would help him see that I was thinking of him and that I hadn’t forgotten about him. He’d forget to call me. I’d spend nights staying up late waiting for his call and crying myself to sleep, because he didn’t call. And I wouldn’t have minded much about the calling, it’s just that he said that he’d call and never did.

I always felt like it was my fault — that I should’ve anticipated the reasoning. I excused his behaviors, because I just felt I was responsible for it or that I was being a girlfriend and that I deserved it. I wanted to be perfect for him — I wanted to be the support he needed that I neglected my needs. I dubbed them as unnecessary to be taken care of.

I never wanted much in the relationship — all I ever truly wanted was just to hear his voice at night before I went to bed at night. I wanted to share the end of the day with him and be able to be that breath of fresh air. I just wanted to fall asleep feeling at ease and knowing that he was okay — not worried and wondering if he was even thinking of me. And I felt bad, because I felt as if I was putting too much pressure on him. I would’ve just settled for a text message just having him say that he was too tired to talk but he was doing good. That’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted to feel like I was a part of his life (not separated from it). Was that so wrong? I just wanted to feel loved and needed.

#1
He stood waiting on the balcony. He waited for the invitation of the doors opening. He promised himself and his beloved that he wouldn’t rush it. He would never rush her. It had to be her choice – and her choice alone. But she never realized that… he was starting to understand.

She had been so careful to not openly stare at him… to not show any emotion in those beautiful almond-shaped eyes of hers. It was absolute torture for him to stay civilized and still while his beloved mingled and danced with her various admirers and suitors. He shook his head in disbelief at the predicament… even he hadn’t known his true limits until this night.

He wondered how he managed to hold that fragile glass cup without crushing it in his palm. The way the corner of her mouth lifted ever-so delicately when those insipid imbeciles attempted to woo her with what he imagined were sweet, tender, and romantic words. Amateurs! He scoffed in bitter resentment, even though he watched her drink it all in – and hadn’t she encouraged them to continue? He wanted to throttle her, strangle her for… letting them think they had any right to pursue her the way he could only imagine they wished to pursue her.

Was this the same damsel who had accused him of hazardously dallying with the eligible, young ladies just last night? Was this same lady who had been convinced in her frazzled and emotional state that he was only toying with her emotions? That it was HE who was making HER crazed, jealous, and…

He drew in a breath. Love was confusing – and something he could definitely not escape from. He was smitten with his lady. And though she tried his patience this night, he wanted nothing more for those blasted doors to open! Frustrated, he sighed. Maybe, it was all for naught. Maybe, it had been his imagination that she cared for him as he cared for her…

The squeak of the doors opening caused him to abandon his thoughts and turn abruptly.

“Darling, you came.” Her soft dark eyes searched his.

He bit his lip. He should chastise her – tell her that her behavior was horrid and… but the way her anxious eyes begged for his acceptance ate away at his resolve to do so. He knew her more than she cared for him to realize. The way she nervously looked everywhere but him until she peaked up timidly…

He sensed her fear already mounting.

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“Say something,” she pleaded. He was transfixed with how her fingers seem to want to reach for him, but she was too proud to let him know straight out.

He sighed, letting it all slip away – his anger, his frustration, and his jealousy. She was his – anyone could see that. She swallowed and his eyes instantly flicked up to hers. And he saw the hint of tears shimmering in her beautiful eyes. No, he couldn’t let his beloved down.

He smiled. “You’ve come to invite me in?”

“Only you,” she murmured. And she was in his arms.

He didn’t know who made the move first, but he could’ve sworn it was she… but it didn’t matter. He just smiled, breathing in her sweet scent. No matter how much she infuriated him or hurt him, he understood that this is that mattered – that ever mattered.

#2
What had she done? The words echoed in Caitlyn’s head. Even the freezing chill of winter did nothing to shake her out of the state she was. She continued to walk through the backroads. She was close to the main street – she just had to keep trudging on. But it wasn’t the cold that was bothering her – no, no! Hardly! She almost laughed at how ridiculous the predicament of weather was compared to…

She did NOT just sleep with him. No, no! Not possible. But the flood of memories of last night caused her hands to ball into fists into her fleece zip-up pockets. The last thing she wanted was for him to know that she… She bit her bottom lip. Okay, so the embarrassment of him knowing she had a thing for him wasn’t such a problem and well-kept hidden secret.

She squeezed her eyes shut. Of all the stupid things to do… Maybe, he was just too intoxicated to realize what had happened. Maybe, he would think it was a very strange dream? She thought about the possibility of that occurring and weighed the reality. It was possible that he might not remember. He had been incredibly drunk – and so had she. There was a chance that tomorrow morning, he wouldn’t remember what actually transpired in his room last night… or at the bar, where she proceeded to proclaim her love for him.

If that was all he remembered, that was the lesser of the evils. He didn’t have know. He’d never have to know. She bit her lip and tried to push down the sickened feeling sinking in her stomach. Even though she knew it was for the best, she couldn’t help but feel more than bit depressed that he wouldn’t remember that he slept with her.

“It’s for the best,” she reminded herself, aloud. She would just pretend like nothing happened and maybe he would think nothing happened too.

It wasn’t until she was settled into the warmth of her own bed that the tears started flowing down her cheeks. In her the privacy of her room, she surrendered to all the emotions that she was trying to hide within her. She was in love with a guy – she could never have… never could hold… and she had all but proved that.

* * *

She had played it off like nothing had happened. And so far, it had been succeeding. She pretended to be her usual aloof self. But she couldn’t help but feel the penetrating looks he would give her. There would be times when he comfortably pretended like nothing happened – but other times, she could feel his eyes on her, burning into her with such intensity.

She tried her best not to look at him. She wanted nothing more to pretend that it hadn’t happened. She could keep a secret – she was good at it if she needed to be. And this situation definitely called for her to be good as she needed to be. And even though she should be rejoicing that he didn’t remember or didn’t care either way, the pain was already settling her chest.

It happened the first moment he walked into the first class of the day with his friends. His eyes flicked casually to hers. It nothing more than that – a casual look… and she wanted to cry. She wanted to yell at him: How can you not remember? Damn it! I wasn’t the only one there! It takes… and then she’d look down at her hands in shame. This is what she wanted right? Then why did it hurt. Why did she find herself crying the moment she got back from class?

She should’ve been relieved. She should’ve… but she wasn’t. And now, he was looking at her like he was trying to figure something out. She didn’t like being someone’s puzzle to figure out – she was already having trouble figure herself out, she didn’t need anyone else doing the same thing. But she crossed out the looks he was giving her convincing herself of the excuses she deplored – none worth mentioning. And when their professor called it a day, she should’ve been relieved.

She was too. She watched him as he and his friends chatting starting to exit the classroom. She was trying to pay attention to what her friend was saying, but she couldn’t help but drawn to the guy. Then it happened so quick, she didn’t have time to prepare. He turned slightly and looked her straight in her eyes. The moment his eyes locked unto her… the memories started to flood her mind. She gasped, squeezing her eyes shut as if her eyes were playing back the scenes within them.

When she dared to look at him again, he was looking her through narrowed, suspicious eyes. Oh no! She wanted to stop the corks in his minds from spinning. She wanted him to retract that bit of information he got from her reaction. She grew more nervous, but she felt the relief when he let his friends push him out of the classroom.

Tears filled her eyes. Too close – that was too close. She slowly started to put her stuff away. It was when she exited the building and was parting ways with her friend that she realized it wasn’t over. She hadn’t been looking where she had been going – she had hoped to catch an image of him disappearing around the corner. Instead, she turned her head and saw him standing by himself near some benches.

Her eye widened. Maybe, he wasn’t waiting for her? She nodded to herself confirming that was probably more accurate than… but that’s when he looked up. His eyes met hers and she realized she was wrong, so wrong. He had been waiting for her.

“We need to talk.”

It was that sentence that brought fear to the forefront. Her heart clenched and she didn’t want the obvious pain that would come. She shook her head, staring at her shoes and his. “No, no, we don’t.”

He coughed uncomfortably. She peered up at him. She nervously tugged at the strap of her huge purse. She continued: “There-There’s nothing to talk about–”

“Cait, c’mon. You can’t–”

“You don’t have to,” she rushed out at the same time. “Look, it was just a one night stand. I-I get it. You seriously didn’t–”

“You told me that you loved me.”

She flushed. “No, I didn’t.”

“Doll, I wasn’t even drunk when you told me all that. You might’ve been at the time.”

“I-I… well, I just…” She struggled for an excuse – something? ANYTHING! But she was staring at him dumbfounded.

“C’mon, it won’t hurt to talk–”

“I have to go,” she gasped, shaking her head. “Look, you don’t have to do this okay. I know it didn’t mean anything to you, okay? I just wanted something to… I mean it’s the end – and we’re graduating – and I just… I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d… I mean, it’s just—I just wanted to know what it would be like–”

“What do you mean–”

“I-I know you don’t feel for me like that, o-okay—I’m not pretty, I know—and I know I’m not thin like-like all the other girls and-and-and I know I’m a little diff…” She trailed off as tears started to feel her eyes. She felt incredibly foolish. How could she have let it get this far? Why hadn’t she run? She still could, she realized, but she stood frozen. “I-I-I get it. I do! You don’t have to do–”

He started to reach for her, but she pulled back quickly. She shook her head. This wasn’t what she wanted. She didn’t want his pity. No, she didn’t want him to feel sorry for her. If she had just kept her mouth shut, everything would be fine.

She turned quickly and hurried off, hoping he wouldn’t follow her. She heard her name, but she didn’t turn around.

She didn’t stop – she just kept going.